Outing myself is always pretty stressful. I haven’t done it so many times that I’ve got a tried and tested formula, but I’m slowly getting better at doing it without getting my tongue all twisted up. That doesn’t mean I find it easy.
No matter how many times I do it, I’ll always be subconsciously bringing up my shields, ready for the fallout that normally comes. I can feel myself blushing and bracing myself for the often-triggering responses – ‘that’s not possible,’ ‘you have a _, right?’ ‘you’ll always be _ to me.’
And when one is part of a community, outing can be constant. I don’t know any non-cis people; I’d like to be visible enough that others might see me and know they’re not alone, even if they don’t necessarily get to know me. Visibility as any non-binary identity is hard, but I’m slowly trying to build up my courage to just out myself to more people.
And yes, I know I’m likely to be triggered. I can deal with that. I think people are mature enough to deal with it. I think I’m strong enough to deal with negative reactions.
Today, I was lucky (the person had a small amount of knowledge about non-binary gender, which was sort of astonishing). Next time, I almost certainly won’t.
Coming out narratives are often centred on other people’s reactions. I think that the panorama of emotions that one feels as one’s outing oneself is a thing worthy of talking about.