Textbook cissexism!

Posted: January 7, 2011 in Bodies, Damned binaries, Gender, Personal, Relationships
Tags: , , , ,

Trigger warning for cissexism, binarism, transphobia and discussion of transphobic(/homophobic) violence.

So, a friend of mine’s been bleating about how hard it is for her to get used to my new name (which I changed yonks ago…) and how nobody cares that I’m agender…

Of course nobody cares (we’re talking in meatspace here). That’s because nobody acknowledges it as a possibility. Nobody cared that I was agender when they told me I was my assigned gender. Nobody cared that I was agender when I told them to stop using The Name That Shall Not Be Spoken and they didn’t. Nobody cared that I was agender when they insisted on me using gendered public toilets. Nobody cared that I was agender when they assigned me a gender at birth and tried to force me into it, in thought, word and deed. Nobody cared that I was agender when they objected to the way I dressed and used my body. Nobody ever cared.

And then when I told them they had to start caring, because like it or not I was this way, suddenly they cared enough to try to stop me. They cared enough to tell me I was just bizarre. They cared enough to tell me I was hurting myself with this delusion. They cared enough to wish not to know. They cared enough to try to force me back into my assigned gender.

If I’d never told anyone, nobody would have cared. Binary, cis gender is a custom more honoured in the breach than the observance. Nobody cares that I am because nobody believes that I am. They care that I am not like them, not that I am what I am. And so often, violence greater than I have ever known is inflicted upon trans and non-cis people – because people do not care for what we are (people; worthy, awesome, wonderful people), but for what we are not (cis, binary gendered, gender normative people).

And it’s hard for you, J.? It’s really that hard for you? It’s harder than coming out is, is it? It’s harder than explaining my name change, is it? It’s harder than dealing with people’s cissexism, binarism, transphobia and homophobia, is it? It’s harder than never being acknowledged to exist, is it? It’s harder than looking at everyone, wondering if someone will hurt me because I don’t conform, is it? It’s harder than hearing about people similar to me being killed, devalued, demeaned, raped, injured, denied their human rights, is it? It’s harder than knowing I’m vulnerable to that kind of thing too, is it?

No. It’s not. Quit trying to cissplain at me. And don’t laugh at my need not to be known as my assigned sex. It’s not a laughing matter. It’s a fucking crying matter, because due to people just like you, it’s not gonna happen. I made it as easy as I could on you. I didn’t demand a pronoun change (although it makes me cringe every time I hear the wrong pronoun). I don’t go to you for support and a shoulder to cry on over my issues, even though I should do because I need the help. I’ve never gone apeshit on your ass over the name thing. I’ve never gone apeshit on your ass over your cissexist, binarist bullshit either, for that matter, but one more time and I fucking well will.

Oh, the cissexist tropes. How you make me miserable. I just wish there was a hope in hell that you’d read this, J.

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