Dissonance II

Posted: February 24, 2011 in Bodies, Damned binaries, Gender, Personal
Tags: , , ,

If I do not want to be the ‘opposite’ gender to my assigned one, why do I want need to change aspects of my body to ones that fit our cultural norm of that particular binary gender? Hint – it’s not because I think it’ll make me less my assigned gender. Because hey, I’m not my assigned gender. There’s no grey area there, I can’t be more or less it because I am not that gender. It’s nothing to do with sex, either.

The reason is simple. It’s because I have body dissonance.

The social dissonance, when people look at certain areas of my body and use them to label me as my assigned gender, that’s not really anything to with my body. That’s got a whole fucking lot to do with the shitty binarism and cissexism in society, but fuck-all to do with my body. And yeah, I’m working on the society thing. I aggravate everyone I know by calling them out on their shit when they say it, and then I explain my points, which it’s really not my responsibility to do. I hate the social aspect of things, but that’s not why I want need to change my body.

Social dissonance does make the body dissonance worse, because without it there wouldn’t be all the misgendering associated with the body parts. But it doesn’t cause it, and even in a vacuum I would have body dissonance. Others experience things differently; some find that social dissonance is their biggest problem, some don’t have a problem with one or the other, and so on. I can only speak for my own experience.

The body I use is not the body I love.

Body dissonance is the constant twist at the bottom of my stomach that reminds me with every movement or glance downwards that my body is wrong. It’s wrong at a fundamental level, and it hurts. Sometimes I fantasise about violently altering my body. Sometimes I find it hard to function in the wrong body. Sometimes the pain makes me feel physically sick. That’s not good. That’s why I need some safe way of making the changes.

I do not have body dissonance as badly as some people do. Mostly, I can and do function over it – and that is a privilege for which I am profoundly thankful. Mostly, it doesn’t affect the way I relate to the world because I have become very good at ignoring it. But when I have to stop ignoring it, it hurts.

So that’s why I need to change my body. Whether I can is another matter – I will probably have to pay myself, as a non-binary person who doesn’t want a binary transition path, and whether that money will ever appear is debatable. It’s nothing to do with gender/sex and that stuff. I just have body dissonance. Which is a separate thing, although slightly connected through social dissonance.

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