Dream away

Posted: April 3, 2011 in Bodies, Gender, Personal
Tags: , , ,

Last night, I had a lucid dream. I knew I was dreaming, knew I was going to wake up – but I was in total control of everything that happened. I was even able to send myself back to sleep when I felt as though I was waking up again.

There was… a setting. I don’t remember what. And there was a mirror. And there was me as I appear in waking life, standing in a pair of boxers in front of that mirror. And I thought, if, in a lucid dream, I can control what happens – why can I not control what I look like? So I thought about it, and in front of my eyes my body changed. Not drastically – not in bone structure – but the sex characteristics reconfigured themselves into the way they should be, the way they are in the deepest core of my self.

It was a special mind space, a special way of thinking – different from the thinking process – that caused me to change, in the dream. After I’d found out it was possible and spent a while just gazing at myself, touching the body that felt like mine for the first time, I tested out a couple of different body configurations so that I could say I had. Then I returned to my body, and spent the rest of the dream just walking around in a haze of unbelievable content and happiness, touching every part of me that newly felt right.

I opened my eyes again, to feel the burden of the wrong body parts resting against my flesh and the desolation of loss.

There’s no reason for me to post this. But this is what happened, and it made an impact on me. It hurt, but it was glorious as well. I have seen my self in a mirror, even if only in a dream (to be fair, I’ve had the right body in dreams before – but in those ones, it was merely a vessel, something that I used, not something that I saw and was conscious of). If only waking life change was as easy as a couple of changed thinking patterns.

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