Posts Tagged ‘Microaggressions’

I’m being really bad with this blog at the moment. Not that that’s anything new. Hopefully I will reinvigorate myself sometime soon, but till then all I can give is my apologies and what posting I can do.

As a non-binary person in a binarist society, I find myself thinking about my (non)gender a lot. How people are reading me, how to come out, how people think of me once I have. Whether I can go to the toilet, talk to someone, take an action without negative consequences. All sorts of things. Little worries, huge worries. Was that weird look I got the end of the issue, or are they going to spew hatred at me? Is this person I’m talking to now going to go all weird on me when I tell them who I actually am? How much longer can my bladder last? (The answer to this last is generally ‘as long as it needs to’ – I’m lucky). Will dressing in a way I’m comfortable with mean that authority figures will think less of me?

It’s a huge part of my life. I sincerely wish it wasn’t – I would love my lack of gender to be a non-issue – but it is. Sometimes it seems like I’m overthinking things – but when I hear about people who are similar to me getting hurt because other people are bigoted shitspits, it doesn’t feel excessive at all. The worst part is, I know that it’s futile. The actions of bigots are not the fault of the oppressed. Privileged, bigoted people are responsible for their acts of bigotry.

We should not have to hide to protect ourselves. Mostly I try not to because mostly I figure that I can deal with the consequences of living openly. That said, I still lie by omission. I still allow authority figures to make incorrect assumptions about me, because I am afraid of their power. I shouldn’t feel that fear. Nobody should be afraid to stand up and say, ‘This is me’ – but the kyriarchy makes so many of us afraid to do so, with extremely good reason. It hides us. We cannot be blamed for refusing to walk into the firing line, but that doesn’t change the fact that there should be no fire. We should not have to second-guess everything to try to keep ourselves safe. Our safety, our rights should be guaranteed by the fact of our existence.

I hate not being able to forget. I hate being reminded that I am different, that I am Other, by the slightest things in society. And I hate that it makes me second-guess myself. Thinking about gender so much makes me wonder all too often whether I am who I think I am. So I look inside – and there’s still no crash-crash-crash there, and it still feels wrong when I try to think of myself with gender. And I think, yeah, I’m right. This is who I am.

Ten minutes later, someone will say ‘Ladies and gentlemen’ or I’ll need the toilet or whatever – and I’ll be back to thinking about it.

Because the reminders are always there. There is no space away from them. There’s no space to just exist, as a person – I have to exist as an armoured fortress to protect that which makes me abnormal.

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Has it really been nearly ten days since I posted here? I am so sorry. Just… stress, and a couple of days out of town, and… yeah, I’ve got no excuse really.

Also I have no inspiration. I’ve written barely anything for a week or more. Again, I’m sorry. I promise I will put up a proper post, with substantial content and social commentary, up on Thursday. Hopefully if I say it I’ll do it and hopefully I’ll buckle down to it then because I have a day off.

I hate microaggressions. I really hate them. It seems like absolutely everything in my life is out to get me or other marginalised people. I’ve had dyadist and binarist statements from authority figures, rape jokes from people others have invited into my ‘safe circle’ of people. I’ve sat through sexist lectures about clothing, had to interact with people who’ve been really shitty towards me, listened to ableist remarks go unchallenged, had my non-gender misrepresented persistently.

Doesn’t help that the abnormally hot weather is making my body dissonance ten times worse since the heat means I can’t wear the normal layers to disguise the shape of my body. I dislike heat at the best of times, but with body dissonance around sweaty bits that rub on each other it’s utterly intolerable. And it makes me feel really bad about my anosmia – I literally will never know if I’m stinking the room out. Which means that everything is awkward because I’m always thinking, ‘do I smell, do I smell?’

I don’t really hate being anosmic. I hate that people assume I can smell, and the idea of smell scares me… but I’m generally all right with not being able to. I’m just more all right with it in winter when I know it’s unlikely I’ve been sweating enough to smell. Or at times when I’m not actually going to be around people. The body odour negativity thing, I dislike it, I don’t see why we try to eradicate something that just happens naturally, but I realise that I’m not someone who has to be smelling it.